Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Most Important Thing

I feel like I've wanted to be a mother all my life. When my sister was 2 and I was 4, I would try to scare her in order to make her cry. When she cried, she was vulnerable and she needed me. I would hug her, console her, and make everything better again because, in my egocentric 4 year old mind, that's what it meant to be a mother. I thought that was the most important thing my mother did for me, and I wanted to be that important to someone too. Now, twenty years later, I know that motherhood is about more than kissing ow-ies and hugging away tears. But I still believe that that's a significant part of it, and I still long to be that person to someone.
My husband and I are patient people. We waited until after college to get engaged. We waited until after graduate school to get married. Because we met very young, it was sometimes hard to be patient, especially after the hundredth, "When are you guys going to get married already?!". But we waited because it was important to us, as a married couple, to be financially independent from our parents. I feel that we've been very responsible, and I'm proud of that. However, motherhood is something I'm having a hard time being patient for. I adore children. In the past, I've worked with children and have been asked by 4 and 5 year olds on numerous occasions, "Can I call you Mommy?"(When children spend 6+ hours a day with a caring woman, it's bound to happen). I always replied with something like, "You have a Mommy who loves you, and I think she'd be sad if you called someone else Mommy. I want you to call me by my name because we're such good friends." But it always made me secretly happy, and it always made me think, "Wouldn't that be nice...", and I'm almost positive that's weird.
I'm ready to be a mother, and I know I'll be a damn good one. But part of me, the patient and responsible part, won't stop nagging me with advice and questions. "You don't own a house yet, you know. Does your husband want this as much as you do? It's not all Disney movies and pajamas with feet, you know. Are you trying to grow up too fast? I know how much you like to sleep, you can forget about that!" I don't have all of the answers to all of the questions I ask myself... But can I give a child the home and the love that it deserves? The answer is yes. And now I know that THAT'S the most important thing my mother did for me.

1 comment:

  1. nobody is ever completely ready for children. People that think they are, don't make good parents.
    You simply have to decide if you're ready to sacrifice all of your wants and commit the rest of your life to your children.